“If you were a fruit, you’d be a fineapple.”
These next few words are going to change your life.
Not in any sort of meaningful way, of course, but you will be able to pick the perfect pineapple for yourself and/or a sexual partner to enjoy in a nonsexual or sexual way. Your choice.
Learning how to pick the perfect pineapple is not a task for the weak of heart. It will be a proud moment indeed when you can peruse the pineapples at your local grocer’s, but as of right now, to me, you know absolutely nothing at all.
After all, you obviously don’t have what it takes to correctly pick, pluck and prepare the perfect pineapple. But you will. Your pineapple palate will be so refined, all of your friends will plead for you to pick out their pineapples, too.
Are you getting sick of all the words starting with ‘p’ yet? Well isn’t that just
See what I did there? I set that up so you thought you were going to pull one over on me.
“The next word will be ‘perfect’! I guarantee you it’s ‘perfect’! I know the joke that is coming and I am so smart for doing so!”
Enough about you. Let’s talk apples. Primarily, pineapples.
Do you peruse for plump pineapples? Is there such a thing as a Peruvian pineapple?* Is it any more delicious than a Pineapple from, say, Paraguay?**
Well, according to wikiHow, there is a certain scent one’s nostrils encounter when in close proximity to a ripe pineapple. A ripe one will smell particularly sweet; if it’s not ripe, it will have no scent at all.
PRO-TIP: I like to take the ripeness test to a whole other level- we’re talking Scratch-n-sniff, here. Scratching your pineapple first will scare the pineapple into releasing its scent out of pure, primal fear.
Apparently, an overly-ripe pineapple will smell of alcohol, which makes me think overly-ripe pineapple isn’t such a bad thing. If I’m going to be juicing this pineapple in order to make several dozen margaritas, it wouldn’t be horrible for the pineapple to be thrown into the blender with some booze that smells kind of the same.
Here is another bit of advice from wikiHow: “Avoid pineapples with wrinkled skin, reddish-brown skin, cracks or leaks, mold, or brown withering leaves.”
Well, that’s fairly easy. I already avoid people of the same description, so adding certain pineapples to my list of things/people/homes under the sea to avoid is not an issue.
Step Four on this list is where it starts to get way more sexual than I thought a discussion on picking the perfect pineapple could possibly be:
Okay, so I’m not the only one thinking about how the person who wrote this must have had the hots for a pineapple-shaped woman, right? That green, fern-like hair, a really rough, a kind of sharp and pointy face- who wouldn’t fall for that?
BOOBS. BOOBS. BOOOOOBS. THIS PERSON IS TALKING ABOUT BOOBS, NOT PINEAPPLES. But I’m okay with it. They know what they’re talking about, and talking about it very casually. “Pretty firm, but soft enough.” Okay, buddy, keep the pineapple in your pants.
The rest of the wikiHow-to was rather boring and bland (unlike the pineapple they used in their pictures- that looks prime) so here’s a few fun pineapple facts:
1. “If you cut up that pineapple, you have to eat it in a few days.” Otherwise, the starving kids in Africa will hear about it and will watch your house burn to the ground as they consume your pineapple.
2. “A whole refrigerated pineapple can last about two weeks.” I always wonder who tests this out. I picture a bunch of scientists bringing in plates of pineapple to one guy sitting at a table. Each plate of pineapple has been sliced and stored for a different number of days, and they just keep increasing the age of the sliced pineapple they’re feeding this guy until he keels over and dies.
“Well, it seems as though two weeks is about the limit, Scientist Steve.”
“I do declare, Scientist Smith, that I concur. Let’s grab another subject and try out some mangoes.”
“An excellent suggestion. But first, let’s manGO to to lunch.”
All of the above pictures and quotes are from the actual wikiHow article, How to Tell if a Pineapple is Ripe, found here: http://www.wikihow.com/Tell-if-a-Pineapple-Is-Ripe