Gettysburg College’s President Riggs “Sick and Tired of the Liberal Pansies”

President Riggs putting on a smile for the liberal pansies.

Running a prestigious liberal arts college isn’t for the faint of heart. President Janet Morgan Riggs, who graduated from Gettysburg College in ’77, now runs the show here, and was kind enough to buy me a Mocha (with whipped) from the Commons and sat down for an interview.

“Having the same work title as BrObama is pretty sweet, to say the least,” Riggs began, “but it’s far from being all fun and games. As Presidents, we have to deal with a lot of stupid people on a daily basis.”

President Riggs, while sipping on a Venti-Chai Latte with eighteen shots of espresso, described what her average day looks like.

“I wake up around five each morning to steal my neighbor’s copy of the Gettysburg Times and throw a roll of that awful single-ply toilet paper all over Phi Delt’s house. Then I head over to Servo for one of those fantastic omelets, and force the manager to fire up the ice cream machine for me. Afterwards, I whip one of those scooters-for-rent up and down North Washington, flipping off DPS and blasting some N.W.A. I like to keep in touch with my inner student.”

(DISCLAIMER: This interview was particularly revealing of President Riggs’ questionable habits on campus, and may shock some readers.)

President Riggs recently escaped a rather brutal board meeting, where an anonymous source claims the board members grilled Riggs for hours on what’s been going on here at the college.

“Yeah, of course I remember the meeting with those liberal pansies,” Riggs started, “coming into my house clamoring for “student rights” and other stupid stuff. I remember thinking to myself, ‘Is this all worth it?’ Like, is it really worth sacrificing my remaining time on earth to helps secure the futures of these salmon-pant wearing toolbags strutting around campus?”

This reporter, as the owner of a pair of salmon pants, is more than a little dismayed at the Kool-Aid Riggs is selling.

“I’ve got liberal pansies like you up my ass seven days a week asking me, ‘Janet, where’s the money going, Janet?’ I don’t have time to deal with that B.S. Do you have any idea how tough it is being all Presidential and shit 24/7 while trying to get the grounds crew to install my new 12-man jacuzzi the right way? I swear, this is why I drink.”

At this point, we had to take a break from the interview to give President Riggs a chance to answer some texts and, “Downvote some weak-ass Yaks to oblivion.”

When asked about the recent allegations accusing the school of lacing the fingers of signature Chicken-Finger Friday with laxatives, Riggs laughed.

“Of course we put laxatives in the fingers. The only one who could stomach them otherwise is a goat- we did a lot of illegal goat testing over the summer, which was fun. Off the record? They’re not even really chicken fingers- the B-Hole staff just fries up whatever animals DPS manages to taze during the week. It’s usually squirrel, but they’ve been wizening up to DPS’s tazering techniques, so occasionally we sub in some raccoons that are usually rooting around in the trash behind Servo.”

**** In reality, I did not interview President Riggs and do not know anything about the **** installation of a 12-man jacuzzi at her house

Excessive Squirrel Fornication Wreaks Havoc on Campus

Gregory Campbell, a sophomore communications major at Gettysburg College, has suffered a great deal of anxiety over this past semester at school. While midterm exams and what he describes as a, “Pretty tough schedule; I have a 9 A.M. on Wednesdays,” bring to Gregory the same stress as most college students, he says there’s a different terror on campus that stresses him out to the max:

Squirrels. That’s right folks, those furry rodents you’ve been watching dig for forgotten nuts in piles of snow for the last few months have turned to a new hobby: fornicating. They say springtime is the best time, but Gregory Campbell is not having the best time.

“I’m really tired of seeing these squirrels make passionate love on the grounds of Gettysburg. I pay $50,000 a year to go to this school, and I think that should buy some sort of mass squirrel genocide,” Campbell stated angrily. After some fact-checking, this reporter discovered that Gregory, does not, in fact, pay $50,000 a year to go to Gettysburg College. His parents do.

To Gregory Campbell’s credit, however, he has taken action, forming a club that meets every Tuesday to discuss the issue and try to come up with a concrete solution. One of their solutions, in fact, involved pouring concrete over every inch of the college campus to take away any potential hiding places for a particularly tasty nut. When this idea was rejected by the president of the college, the club went out, bought a club for every member, and began chasing and trying to bash every squirrel in sight.

All but one squirrel declined to comment on the situation and their recent fornications. Many, in fact, were too busy fornicating. The one that did choose to add to the discussion, one Mr. Nut Tea, had this to say:

“I think we squirrels are getting a bad rap,” he began, “I mean, everyone’s doing it. I saw two humans doing it in the fountain the other night. Good thing I had my Go-Pro strapped on. Caught the whole thing. I’m saving it for when Maureen gets back from visiting her aunt and wants to take things in the grass to a new level,” Mr. Nut Tea told reporters.

Indeed.

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