Horrible Common Phrases

Common phrases are misused all the time, and I am absolutely sick of it. Here’s a list of them, and why they are idiotic:

“Drive it like you stole it” No thank you, I think I’ll continue driving my car like I put down a large down payment and have a terrifying number of monthly payments to make in the future. Plus, I have no idea what driving a stolen car is like. I imagine the first thing I would do in a stolen car is go get a Slurpee.

“Your shoe’s untied” Sorry to disappoint you, but my shoes are never untied. This is because I refuse to wear anything other than flip-flops and Crocs in the spring, summer, and fall, and velcro strap-equipped snow boots in the winter.

“That guy has a chip on his shoulder” This is a flagrant lie, and will not be tolerated for its stupidity. First of all, you need to clarify what kind of chip the subject is balancing on his shoulder. Is it a potato chip? A poker chip? Or has this person somehow lured a talking chipmunk onto his person?

“That costs an arm and a leg” Cool your jets, Hannibal Lector. I’m in Banana Republic looking for a fashionable fall jacket, not some black market for body parts. Also, if that jacket really does cost an arm and a leg, how the hell am I going to pull it off missing fifty percent of my limbs? Perhaps we can meet in the elbow and I’ll give you a forearm and a leg.

“Beating around the bush” This one is particularly offensive to a man as environmentally-conscious as myself. What kind of sick, twisted individual goes around laying the beat-down on defenseless vegetation? If that bush owes you money, don’t beat up his neighbors- rip it straight out of the ground and give it a pair of cement shoes, Mafia-style.

“Close, but no cigar” Get the f**k away from my younger brother and stop offering cigars as prizes for knocking down the milk bottles, you filthy carnie. He’s only eight, and wouldn’t even know what to do with a cigar. Idiot.

“Cut the mustard” I’d love to know the origins behind this one. Try cutting up some mustard. All you’ll end up with is a very mustardy knife and mustard smears all over your kitchen table.

“Don’t cry over spilt milk” Don’t tell me what to do. You don’t know my life, or what sort of morning I’m having! I’ll have you know, that was the last of the milk, and now I have to eat my Fruity Pebbles like some sort of sick f**k who’s addicted to cereal dust.

“Put a sock in it” I must admit, I’m actually a huge fan of this fairly common phrase. It makes me laugh when I think about a society where it is perfectly acceptable to stuff a sock in someone’s mouth to prevent them from saying whatever it was they were saying. Making this act legal would not only dramatically decrease the number of stupid people talking, but would also result in a booming sock industry.

“I hate to rain on your parade, but…” Oh, put a sock in it. You’re not upset about raining on someone’s proverbial parade- in fact, I think we love raining on parades more than we love the parade itself. This might be in part due to the fact that we didn’t get invited to the parade and do not want others to enjoy themselves. This instinct is called, “being a dick.”

“You got the short end of the stick” Stop being so ungrateful and be thankful for the fact that you got an end of the stick at all. It could be way worse- you could have gotten the long end of the stick- to the face.

“There’s no ‘I’ in ‘Team'” Nobody likes a smartass, and everyone who has more than twelve brain cells knows how to spell ‘team’. Dick. For the record, I wouldn’t even be talking about the team if I wasn’t a part of it, so why don’t you take your “holier-than-thou” attitude and get the f**k out of my face so that I can complain about how awful my teammates are in peace.

“You can’t teach an old dog new tricks” Bulls**t. My dog is sixteen years old and just learned how to play dead. He hasn’t moved in over two weeks! Now that’s a well-trained dog.

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