I Ate 67 Saltines in a Row

Yes, you read that correctly. Sixty-seven of the world’s saltiest, crunchiest crackers. All consumed in around twelve minutes or so. How does such an incredible event come and go like a soft breeze on a summer’s day?

Well, it begins with a challenge. Specifically, the Saltine Challenge: six saltine crackers consumed in under a minute. Fail this challenge, and you will be left with a very dry mouth and a great many crumbs to swipe off the table and onto the floor; hoping somebody (but not you, of course) comes by with a vacuum to clean that dirty goddamn floor.

Conquer the challenge, however, and you have yourself a story to write about on a blog that very few people read. I have my priorities straight as an arrow.

I took on the Saltine Challenge with two fellow interns where we work. We actually reserved a conference room to make it completely official, and we swept (most of) the crumbs into the trash afterwards.

For the sake of everyone keeping their jobs, I will designate one intern ‘Chet’ and the other ‘Louis.’ On the way back from lunch at Colony Pizza (fantastic pizza, pretty average beverage selection. Could do with a less ‘family-friendly’ atmosphere) we stopped at 7-11 to buy two boxes of saltines. I also bought a twenty-ounce Pina Colada flavored Slurpee.

Side note: When I win the lottery, one of my first acts will be to have a fountain built in my front yard that only produces different Slurpee flavors. Also, a burrista: a barista who only makes burritos. Patent pending, so back off of my burridea.

The original Challenge went off without a hitch- saltines were consumed, salty dust went flying, and a champion was crowned- me. That’s right, I ate six saltines in a minute, and I’ll do it again if you doubt it.

So here we are, three interns and two bosses sitting at a table with a lot of saltines left and a while to go on our conference room reservation. Nobody wants to go back to doing real work, so we decided to see who can eat the most saltines without taking a break or a drink. After ten, every contestant had dropped out besides Louis and myself, and we were both looking like a couple of purebred saltine eaters.

Here’s a play-by-play:

Fifteen deep: Wow, this must be a particularly dried out package of saltines

Twenty-three deep: There’s no way Louis is beating me. As a human being in control of my own emotions, I am unstoppable.

Twenty-four deep: It occurs to me that while I may be unstoppable, my digestive passages are.

Thirty deep: I have eaten thirty saltine crackers. Does this put me on par with Hercules?

Thirty-six deep: Louis is now one cracker ahead of me and looks very calm. Way too calm, actually.

Forty deep: Has Louis done this before? Am I being played?!

Fourty-four deep: I need to start thinking about technique, because this hasn’t been fun since the sixteenth saltine.

Fourty-nine deep: F**k. I think the roof of my mouth is cut up from the infinite pieces of cracker in my mouth. The salt does not help the gigantic open wound that is my mouth.

Fifty-one deep: Louis and I have eaten over fifty saltines each. Is there a saltine equivalent of the ring you get for bowling a perfect game? A saltine on a necklace, perhaps?

Fifty-seven deep: I need another Slurpee.

Sixty deep: Okay, okay, I’ve made it this far. Don’t give up now. I can see that there aren’t too many saltines left, so we’re almost there. Maybe building up spit before the next cracker will help??

Sixty-one deep: Spit evaporated the second the saltine touched my lips.

Sixty-seven deep: Holy shit, I just ate sixty-seven saltines in a matter of minutes.

At this point, I was a little bit loopy, and had enough salt inside of me to shrivel up all of my insides.

Was it worth it? Absolutely. It’s not everyday you get to eat as many saltines as you can.

Do I have any regrets? Only that there are starving children in Africa who would have enjoyed those saltines waaaaay more than I did.

I was also very disturbed to look over and see Louis acting like he didn’t just eat sixty-fucking-seven saltines. Even I had a grimace on my face.

F**k you, Louis.

Salt out.

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