New Study Reveals Playing Squash Turns People Into Douches

Frightened? You should be. A study conducted by professors from Harvard, Yale and Princeton has delved into an issue affecting the lives of thousands of wealthy white folk and their spoiled children for centuries. 

According to the world renowned source of facts and nothing but the facts, Wikipedia, squash was invented in 1830 in England and quickly grew to become an international pastime. 

Edward Goldenstein, or “Big Daddy” as he’s referred to on the squash court, agreed to be interviewed for the sake of this article. 

“Squash really helps me unwind after a long, hard day of playing with, losing and generally stealing other peoples’ money,” Big Daddy explained. “I used to give away my bonuses and stock dividends to dozens of charities, but then I started playing squash with David Zedoosh every Tuesday. He taught me that spending money on others’ is stupid, so instead I dropped $100,000 on a year’s membership to this prestigious squash club,” Goldenstein scoffed. “As they say in the projects, though, ‘it ain’t no thang.'”

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Goldstein on his home court. He wasn’t even playing; he just demanded I snap this “cool action photo”.

Goldenstein is just one of countless subjects of interest of this astounding study. Squash has proven to be the most douchifying sport of all time, second to none. Even curling, the sport played only by Canadians who aren’t athletic enough to play hockey, does not produce the astonishing number of douches as squash. 

Professor Dudley Herring, a master of puppetry at Harvard, was one of the key researchers involved in the study:

“In order to get us some usable field data, I went undercover as a ‘douche’ to several local squash clubs over the course of several months. To prepare, I took acting classes and watched a lot of Jersey Shore to get me in the right mindset.”

Herring reported telling his family douchey stories at the dinner table without even knowing it just a few weeks into collecting data. “I began explaining to anyone and everyone how healthy squash was and how it made me feel ready for anything,” Herring said with a faraway frown. “I became a douche faster than Kanye West at the 2009 VMA’s. Before my fellow researchers snapped me out of it, I had taken out a second mortgage to buy silk bathrobes and gold-plated nail clippers.”

Professor Herring had to be removed from the interview after slipping back into douche mode. He was dragged out screaming, “MY 401K IS DIVERSIFIED ENOUGH! I CAN AFFORD THE BMW AND THE BOAT. I CAN HAVE IT AAAALLLLLLLLLLLLL!”

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