A Holiday Tizzy

Before we delve into this blog post, allow me to offer you the best piece of advice you’re going to receive this month: don’t fart in your car when the heated seat is on full blast. Trust me on this one. I’ve done the research, and you will not be happy. In fact, you will be incredibly sad when you start vomiting uncontrollably when the putrid, superheated fumes penetrate your nostrils.

Stop thanking me; you’re welcome. Let’s get down to the meat of this post. Mmm, meat. I don’t understand vegetarians. I understand that animals are cute and all, but I promise you, every baby cow I’ve ever spoken to begged me to enjoy it’s succulent meat. They enjoy being enjoyed. Plus, do you really think a wolf, bear, or T-Rex would spare you? Humans would make a delicious midnight snack to all sorts of animals, so why should we spare them? Rabbits may seem pretty “chill” but little Peter Rabbit will rip the meat from your bones the second you turn your back.

Speaking of T-Rex’s, I wonder what one would taste like. Would it taste like a giant chicken? My first thought is that it would taste something like a cross between alligator and chicken. Because I don’t know what alligator tastes like, I must admit this is pure speculation. Would the T-Rex’s tiny little forearms be the most tender part? We need to get as many scientists on this as possible, right away. Forget Dolly the sheep, where’s Tommy the T-Rex at? I’m hungry. Plus, I’d love one as a pet. I would make countless video compilations of people shitting themselves when they walk in my backyard.

Public restrooms, am I right? I have many mixed emotions regarding public restrooms. Disgusted is the first one that comes to mind. You can’t really call it a “public” restroom unless it has at least 42 unidentifiable stains, preferably moving/alive. On the other hand, I love reading all the educated, creative notes people choose to share with other stall occupants. “Joe sux” is a prime example. Just marvel at the revolutionary spelling this young man or woman has introduced to the bathroom world. I wish people signed their work so that I could congratulate them in person.

Public restrooms also confuse me a great deal on a regular basis. Today, at work, I strolled into the bathroom ready to get down to business, and went into the stall. As I peered down, I saw something that frightened me and left me at a loss for words. The toilet seat was gouged. Heavily. It looked as though Edward Scissorcheeks had sat on the toilet and done the cha-cha while taking a dump. Because this is slightly unrealistic, I am still at a loss for how this could have happened. Was some poor soul left at the altar by this toilet seat? Did this person spend years tracking this seat down to my office and finally exact their revenge just prior to my strolling in? These are the kinds of things I think about on the toilet.

I also tend to think about advertisements, especially because every aspect of our lives have been bombarded with ads over the last few weeks. Black Friday and Christmas sales have taken over the TV, and it has left me very angry. We advertise pretty much everything that exists these days, and some of it makes no sense at all. I understand why you need to tempt people with special deals, but if someone buys me a toothbrush that was 70% off, I am going to blow my fucking lid.

Speaking of disgusting, I was driving home from work today and passed by a seedy little motel. Did you get that joke? Seedy? Motel? Because 90% of that motel is covered in semen! On their entrance sign, they advertised their cheap nightly rates as well as their “Jacuzzi!” I put Jacuzzi! in quotes because it’s not really a proper Jacuzzi. If they were trying to be honest about their facilities, they would have saved some money on those plastic letters and simply called it what it is: A “Jizzi”. Gross.

I hope you enjoyed this random collection of thoughts. I’ll try to come up with an actual theme for the next post. Or not. Probably not. That’s too easy.

Later, bros and brodettes.  

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